The friends that you surround yourself with, during your divorce, can play a huge role in your recovery. I wonder how many people, who were at your wedding, remained your friends after your divorce! I’m almost certain that some of them would give Houdini a run for his money. Where did that friend go? (turn head left, turn head right and turn head 360 degrees, pause for a moment…. Yeah I’m pretty sure that they’re gone) But we’ll get into all of that a little later on.
What you must remember now is; if when reading the next 3 descriptions, a friend of yours pops into your mind, then you may want to consider some distance from that friend moving forward.
1) The gossip girl
You must be able to trust your friend! That does not involve her taking everything that you have told her in confidence and running off to tell everybody your business (Oh. My. Goodness! Did you hear whats happening in their divorce now?) NO! Gossip mongers NOT allowed. Keep them at bay and protect your privacy.
Some people have an illness. I’ve heard of it plenty of times. Its called ‘cantkeeptheirmouthcloseditis’. Symptoms are; every single word that enters into their ear canals must fall off of their tongue as soon as they are in company. It’s very serious! Anywho….
2)The Inbetweener Friend
This friend has a connection to both you and your ex, and so they hear the stories from both sides. This friend is neutral, and tries to remain friends with both spouses. This person may be running back and forth with stories every time you interact with them.
There are 2 reasons why this friend is not ideal. The first one is that none of your business is ever private because it always ends up back in your ex’s ears. “What is he ? A spy? How does he always know everything that I do? ” … Because your friend is telling him everything, that’s how! Pay Attention!
Secondly, because this friend will also be interfering with your recovery progress. If this friend keeps telling you every move your ex is making, ( who he is kissing, who he is sleeping with and what he is busy doing ) then this will ultimately hold you back. Lets face it, any information that comes back to you is only coming back to you because it is gossip worthy, and that means its “dirty info”. All of this leads to bumps in the road, emotional set backs, and distractions from moving forward. I believe that an ex, being your ex, must EX-it from your life.
“EX-it door to the left – My life’s going to the right. Ciao.”
3) The Time Machine Friend
This is the friend that only hangs out with you to feel better about themselves. She thinks “Jeez, at least my life doesn’t seem so bad after listening to hers. ” This person seems to love the topic of your ex and seems to have an incredible skill of navigating every conversation back to your divorce. She may be deflecting her own issues and attempting to practice some form of therapy while you are on a 1 way ticket back to negative town.
Ive heard that misery loves company but don’t be forced to be “the company”, not when you have been “the misery” for so long. You need a break!!
The recovery after a divorce is a natural progression. It is understandable to want to speak about your marriage a lot in the initial separation period. Trying to understand the why, where and when it all went wrong is completely normal. This is when we are most likely to consume a lot of chocolate and wine. Oh how stereotypical but, well , that is what we do. Cue Celine and proceed to sing in a murderous tone ( All By Myself, don’t wanna be All By Myself). “OK !! Cut the music . I don’t want to do this anymore! ”
You will get to a point where you will say ” No, I don’t want to stay in, drinking wine and speaking about my divorce anymore. I want to go OUT, meet new people and perhaps drink a cocktail. ”
And it is at this stage of the recovery that you will find yourself splitting your friends into 2 groups. You will have your mom friends for play dates, drinking wine at home and discussing kid things (all very grown up stuff). Then you will have your single friends whose company will be great when you want to go out and meet some new people (and by people I mean males. Males with a capital ‘M’ and a capital PURRRRRR!!! ) These friends wont have a curfew or a once every season, pink ticket. Doesn’t it sound fun already?
This is the reality of life after divorce . If you want to meet new people then you’ve got to leave the house of an evening every once in a while. If you want to change your life then you’ve got to change your weekly routine. Otherwise you will keep seeing the same faces week in and week out. You do know Mr Hunky Mc Dreamboat is not going to pop up at your front door with an invitation to dinner and a smile in his pants. ( Oh come on we’re all human) You have got to go out and find him!
So there are different roles that your friendships will take on after divorce and the roles that each of them play is quite seriously important. The non negotiable traits that you simply must find in your closest friends are – trust, loyalty, and sensitivity to your situation. If you are lucky enough to have a friend with these qualities then she/ he is a keeper, and to the rest you can simply say ‘ Que Sera, Sera’.