- Acceptance is the last emotional stage that we go through during a divorce. When all of the hurt and pain finally go away (and it will) you’ll begin to accept that your marriage didn’t work, but that you are now ready to move on with the rest of your life, taking with you the lessons you’ve learned along the way. At the beginning of a divorce, it’s very hard to imagine the day that you’ll finally be at peace with what has happened to your life, but time really and truly does heal. Good old ‘Father Time’ has his arms around us all. You’ve just got to have faith. It takes a lot of courage and inner strength to go through a divorce. It’s impossible to come out the other side unchanged. The key to moving on is not only forgiveness, but also acceptance:
- • Accept that things are this way because, for some reason, they’re just meant to be this way.
- • Do the things you’ve always wanted to do. When you finally start to refocus all of your thoughts back on to yourself in a positive way, live your life exactly how you want it to be lived.
- • Get selfish with your time. It’s invaluable. You deserve to be happy.
- • Build a solid relationship with your children: One better than you’ve ever had before. Divorce is all about reprogramming your mind.
- Having a partner in life is lovely, but it’s not essential to your happiness.
- I have to be honest: While 2015 was hell -my living hell – I was quite happy in 2016 and have been loving my own life in 2017. I now quite enjoy spending my days making myself happy; I quite enjoy having the TV remote all to myself (when my kids are asleep); I quite enjoy putting together my own social calendar; and I quite adore having my children all to myself when they’re with me. I am currently enjoying a peaceful, calm, sometimes selfish, existence.My kids come first and I come second. My girlfriends bring me great company filled with red-wine chats and cup-a-tea tales. I’m loving dating and meeting new people and I’m laughing hard at the memories I’m making along the way. So, I’ve accepted that one person less in my life is not such a train smash. I’ve simply learned to view my life as great in its own right.When we’re born, we don’t get a handbook. There aren’t any rules or guidelines to follow. We’re all just doing our best to live a life that doesn’t lead to regret in our final hours.Regret is an emotion we build within our own minds. It’s a choice. It’s as easily not felt as it is felt. You just have to decide: Do you want to dwell on the past, or focus on the future? Regret is time wasted. Accept that there is a reason why everything happens. You may not know what it is yet, but you will, if you allow yourself to move on.
- When my divorce was finalised-
I want to tell you about the immediate switch I experienced the day I finalised my divorce. It was almost as if my whole attitude towards my ex changed overnight. I woke up the following day and I felt completely healed. (I was almost there, for quite some time prior to the divorce being finalised, but I couldn’t quite get the consistency of a constant steady flow between us. I was still harbouring some negative emotions towards him.) They say that nothing happens overnight! But it does, because it happened to me. I woke up and I didn’t dislike my ex anymore. I truly felt as though I was given the gift of forgiveness while I slept that night. It dawned on me that perhaps I wasn’t so mad at my ex because he had left the marriage. I don’t think in hindsight that it was emotional hurt that made me so annoyed with him. I think it was ‘uncertainty’. The uncertainty of how I would financially support my children, the uncertainty of how our parenting plan would work out, the uncertainty of when I would see my family in Ireland again. It was ultimately ‘fear’ that kept me fighting. And once all of my fears were sorted out on paper, I felt completely healed. I thought I was still hurting, in my heart and I wondered why it stayed inside of me for so long but I was confusing what my brain was channelling. The conflict remained for quite some time and it wasn’t because I still “hated” my ex. It wasn’t that I wanted him back. I didn’t. It was because I was afraid. So the day after my divorce papers were signed I felt like a brand new woman and my ex was immediately no longer a problem. Then the strangest thing happened, we actually became friends again, slowly, but the friendship started reforming and the more we became friends, the more I didn’t want to look back. It didn’t mean that I had forgotten but it meant that I didn’t feel the need to do an autopsy on my past anymore. I was extremely happy because from that point on, we were truly able to begin successfully co parenting our children. And it can happen just like that. Even if the conflict was far beyond what you could ever imagine fixable, the relationship, the friendship, can be found and can be fixed. It will happen when you’re ready to forgive. I keep saying it, you cannot force forgiveness. If you do, you will only be fooling others but you, you will not fool yourself. You will continue to suffer. Establish what is making you angry. Is it fear and uncertainty? Is it pride? Is it regret? Is it guilt? Is it jealousy? Is it projection? Is it deceit? All of these emotions can be managed if you approach the healing process correctly. Firstly you must figure out why you, single handedly or as a couple, keep the conflict going. It’s a promise that once the conflict stops, you will finally sleep again and you will laugh again, you will have fun again and you will be able to ‘begin’ again. Rebirth. Everyone gets a second chance at happiness but you’ve got to want it. Even if you’re still feeling heartbroken and lost right now, the day will come, please trust me it will come, when you will no longer be sad. Don’t be the wedge between your past and your future. Know when it’s time to let it go.